It is about time I started finding this stuff made by others! Of course it is an older clip, one which has been seem by plenty and plenty of times, but still... Enjoy!
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Anyhow my diagnosis is very high anxiety with the obsessive compulsive personality. Not there is a difference between the OCB (obsessive compulsive behavior) and the OCP (obsessive compulsive personality). What most of us are exposed to thanks to caricatural portrayal in movies, TV and the media in general is the OCB which essentially is the person with those "obsessive ticks"; you know, the guy who will lock the door before he leaves his apartment but check it again and then take a few steps and then come back and check it again, attempt to leave again but come back again to check it, etc etc. this is also a mental condition, but is not the one plaguing your truly here. As an OCP, it is an integral part of my core being, and comes from being a perfectionist stuck in a world where I am "impotent" to contribute anything, where I am imposed laws and changes against my will and values. Also it doesn't help to be hard headed as well. Anyway, apparently OBP folks have a hard time dealing with change and the imposition of other values incompatible to our own. It also explains why I am only comfortable in self-established routines and have a hard time dealing with all the little intricate but unavoidable changes of our modern world. Anyway it's more complex than that and I was suggested to read more into it. The good news in this is that finally I was able to get some kind of referral to a proper mental health establishment. The not so good news but it really isn't that bad is that public medicare does not cover the costs of this therapy(ies) and this means it has to be done in the private sector; and this is where my very high medical insurance premiums will come into play. OK so even though the media and 2016 are so-called more "pro mental health" sensitive (by offering little to no help whatsoever except just repeating catch phrases online and whatnot) getting proper decent help is not easy. It's going to take work just to get yet another evaluation, since getting my "files" from those who presently have them will require more bureaucratic work done by my own self in conjunction with medical archivists of the 514. It's basically up to me to get everything going and to spend all the money required to get this thing off the ground. So much for the so-called free public health insurance the media wrongfully projects to other countries about Canada, right? Anyway point being of course that FINALLY I am going to be doing real, honest to goodness therapy with a (very expensive) professional in the not too distant future after my present free CLSC mandate has run its course.
On a similar note but not quite the same is my rather recent enrollment in an alcoholics self-help program. It's a program which was originally designed for people who wish to control and lower their alcohol intake but not completely or necessarily require to erase it out of their lives. Most people do not consider themselves alcoholics but the level and regularity at which most people consume alcohol does fall under the general established guidelines for alcoholism. I take such things with a grain of salt, as you will remember how I am considered a sleep apnea sufferer but wearing the fucking CPAP machine every night adds to my sleep problems due to regular air leakage and tube twisting and jamming, fighting against the darn contraption everynight as soon as you want to change positions. But I digress. So my alcoholism was not all that horrible considering the stereotypical image of the classic drunkard as promoted in films, TV and the medias in general. But the truth is that I drank every night (or maybe one night out of two weeks I wouldn't have a drink) and even though most nights it's one or two ounces of alcohol (no beer nor wine for me: strictly the hard stuff) I always ended up having at least one drink every night. This of course meant I had to hide myself from my wife while doing so, which in a certain way can be considered lying or even cheating in some cases, but nonetheless, I would use my wife's clogged sinuses and lack of smell to my advantage and mix my hard liquor with juices and such. So one day in therapy I took a test with my social worker and "bingo", it seemed I easily fell into the "requires help" category, eligible for the program. I enlisted and now, well, here I am, taking down a lot of notes in a little white booklet everytime I want to, feel like, or have a (or a few) drink(s). Stage two (where I am now) is attempting to go on sober, or a dry spell if you will, for as long as possible. So far it is working out fine but I'm only on day two. On Friday evening I am planning to go out to see an art exhibition to avoid the temptation of consuming booze either at a friend's place or by staying home with my wife. So that's another thing which has been going on in my life, in parallel to my therapy, which obviously consumes time in itself (and quite a bot of it since the lady who gives the booze control program is a talkative one and since I am her last RV(appt) of the day, our 1 hour counseling easily extends to 75 to 90 minutes, by which point my urge to pee usually has me run out the door as though I was seeking some booze!).
Something else which I have been thinking about for a while now is the revival of my BBB activities. So basically as it is well known and is common knowledge by now to anyone who's read my blog(s) for the past 2 or 3 years is that I really don't have much time anymore to spend a whole hour chunk (at least) to edit my clips into watchable formats. The more I struggle and attempt to get back into it, the more I realize it is a futile exercise in attempting to find time which I just don't have. So instead I decided to do two things which may help improve said situation. The first is simply edit the multi-angle cumshot of any given session, and the other is to do cumshot compilations of any given doll. Each little clip (just the $ or the $cumpil for any doll) would be followed by a note saying that if anyone wants to see the full length scene, I can edit it on demand. Essentially this would mean that instead of editing EVERY single scene I have shot since (GASP!) 2013, I would only edit those specific scenes which fans would request. I do believe this is a win-win situation because the main focus point in the BBB, at least for the latter portion of enthusiasts and those who manifest interest, is the cumshot, and/or the cumshot on the doll(s). The remainder of the sessions, be it the lead-to and post ejaculation footage, is usually reserved and enjoyed only by a specific portion of the "demographic". OK so there is a part of me who thinks this "cop-out" is a bit of a cheat or sorts, especially if tou consider the whole "scene" a piece of "art" in itself and by editing only a portion of it, it cheapens the whole, but at the same time you must consider the fact that this is just porn, and in the end, for most people porn is strictly getting to what you want to see and jacking one off before rolling over and going to bed! So there you have it. That's basically my plan for BBB because there is just too much footage stashed in my external hard drive to be able to actually sort through and do full-on edited scenes. Granted part of me is a bit frustrated at my own self for jumping straight to cumshots will in fact "ruin" the possible surprise, as in some cases, I change the actual course and target of the cumshot at the last moment as opposed to how the scene began and was hinting towards (it's apparent outcome). Still, this will be better than no BBB footage at all,'so here's hoping to re-initiate the BBB back into "public" view, of sorts.
Also on a similar note I have also been towing with changing my main BBB videos page. I'll try to be brief. Xtube has increasingly become "cumbersome" iver the years, suspectfully due to the change of the guard since their 2011 take-over by new owners who have turned it into a more add and pro-porn promotion site. Xtube is now slow to load, the videos take forever to watch and to upload and convert, and all the adds and links and animations just slow everything down. I have been looking into two other possible migration homes for my clips online; Xhamster and PornHub. The first is simply because it functions much like Xtube to begin with but seems to suffer from much less lagging on the connection side of things. Even though there are a lot of banners and adds, the whole experience of fooling around the site itself is more fluid and less cumbersome. As for PornHub, well it is the most popular of these free online tube sites, and has the added bonus of being "apple TV" friendly, which means you can stream the videos on PornHub on your apple TV system (if you have one hooked up to your home TV system that is. Both of these alternatives already have a butter_bbb account on them, and so both already have a few older BBB clips which have already been posted on Xtube before. Again, for the moment, I am simply toying with the idea of switching to one of these two. I do not particularly enjoy the idea in itself since I have been on Xtube for so long, but then again, if navigating Xtube is a pain more than the pleasure it supposedly promises, well one must indeed look at other options.
One last thing I must also mention is my music. Again to minimize my update on this, I decided to re-start doing music on a more regular schedule. Years ago I sort of was too stoned out to care and my musical output was minimal if at all, then most of my gear was either broken or falling apart, and I started exploring doing music via applications on my phone which in turn left with hours upon hours of lost material due to said apps crashing and cloud storage closing down without warning, etc etc (modern technology was not designed to be used by unique artists, my friends), and so I purchased some new gear in 2015 (and a bit in 2016 as well). Obviously my lack of time and energy does also mean that I can not do a lot of music either, but I do try to be more active on that front than I was before. So far the results are pretty fine considering I haven't yet begun using all my gear to its fullest, and still I am very happy by what I am churning out. It's also part of my therapy, see; it is imperative that I find the time to do things which fulfill me and doing music is one of the only real things in which I am fully immersed and both lost and found at once, when/where my anxieties disappear and I find a new lease on happiness and the joy of being alive. I had to accept the fact that underneath everything which has cluttered my being for the past 20-30 years, I am still an artist: not one who lives off government grants to live below the comfort levels of the modern sell-outs, nor one of those sell outs who simply rehashes previously done stuff or who caters to the commercial viability of the culture industry. No my friends, an artist for creating art strictly as a means of expression, and damn everyone who neither appreciates it nor understands it. It is mine, my creations, existing strictly as expressions and extensions of myself in a world which despises and ridicules true artistery. So obviously this takes up time in my already clogged up schedule, but it is necessary for my well being. It is a necessity for my to re-start enjoying being alive and give my life a certain sense or purpose, even if it is largely un-noticed by the majority. I guess it is hard to explain to anyone why spend time and effort in doing something which does not offer compensation or monetary gain, when I myself can not have anyone understand why we all waste our lives aways doing things for other people, for their fortune so other folks can gain monetary wealth and such, while keeping us blind as slaves to their machine. In the end we are all slaves: we are born into slavery and the program continually brainwashes us perpetually and bleeds us dry daily, offering us entertainment and the illusion of choice to avoid any semblance of independent thought. Also it's easier to do music while my wife is around than it is attempting to do anything porn related!
Oh one final note: I also need to introduce all my "new" dolls which have been part of my BBB harem since 2014!!!! Most of them have yet to be featured in the main BBB page nor even have a little introduction done up! I mean if I mention the Kathia Nobilli doll, chances are no one will know to which doll I am referring to! Plus throughout all of this the last doll I bought (which was back in 2015 by the way: I haven't felt any need to purchase any dolls since then!) I still haven't even taken any pictures of! So yes, there is a lot of catching up to do. Thanks for reading-I'll keep in touch!